Omg anon what that was so out of the blue! Thank you, you are very sweet.

Here’s an idea, anon. How about you mind your own business?

As it happens, they did message me explaining that they hadn’t meant to be condescending and that it was just a speech habit of their region. They apologized for upsetting me. I apologized for being quite so harsh. It’s all good. But you know what, regardless of what their intentions are the fact remains that I hate being called pet names by strangers and I especially hate pet names that come across as overly sugary, misgendering, or both. And I’m not going to apologize for that, or for being angry, and I’d appreciate if you didn’t lecture me about it. Especially anonymously.

Who are you, anon, and why are you here?

I identify as queer. In terms of sexual behaviour/attraction, I guess I’m pansexual, but I don’t like that as a personal identity marker for myself. It doesn’t really cover the complexities of how my gender interacts with and influences my sexuality, or how I relate to people of different genders.

Hmm, perhaps. Personally I think I tend to lean more to the Chaotic side, though I suppose thought and action don’t always line up so precisely.

What an excellent story.

Your landlord must be a pretty interesting person, to have left a deer head in a pear tree.

…even though i think that’s probably actually tea? /randomanon

It is indeed tea, randomanon. :D I don’t drink coffee.

I am amused at my icon having given you a craving, though.

You know, anon, the really hilarious thing is that I can’t remember. I really, seriously hated everything I read of his in my philosophy class last year, and as soon as I didn’t need to remember it anymore to pass, I erased it from my memory.

If you look through that tag on my blog, the Philosopher Punching Time Travel Trip one, there’s a bunch more stuff showcasing my hatred of Kant. And also Descartes. But I’m not quite as vehement about him.

(That last anon was Kiri, btw; whoops)

But of course! :D

… Okay, everyone else go home, anon wins the prize, they literally just summed up my entire personality in five words.

Thank you! It’s been that ever since I first joined up and I don’t intend to change it. It goes along with one of my favourite joke sayings: “remember, the pen is always mightier than the sword—assuming a very sharp pen and a very small sword.”

(Personally, I’d like to have both.)

Hi anon! The answer to this question is kind of complicated.

The short version is “ask your friend.” They might ask you refer to them as their actual gender in most situations, but to refer to them as their assigned sex around their family. They may be out at work, but not at school, or vice versa. They might only be out to a few select friends, and be presenting as their assigned sex to everyone else in the world. Whether they’d want you to tell people to use their chosen pronouns/gender descriptor depends entirely on the person and the situation.

If your friend is (for example) a trans guy, and he is trying to live as a guy in all or most spheres of his life, if a stranger asks what sex he is then say “he’s a guy.” This also applies to correcting pronouns, if people get it wrong. The vast majority of trans* people I know will be very grateful if their friends correct strangers in a situation where they are trying to live as their real gender. Sometimes it can be very difficult or scary for us to correct strangers ourselves.

However, like you said, even if someone would appreciate having strangers told their correct gender/pronouns, they might not want to be outed to their family. In that case, refer to them as their assigned sex and name around people they’re not yet out to. But everyone is different and the only real way to know what the correct response is in any given situation is to ask your friend their own personal preference. It’s not too hard—just ask them something like “how should I be referring to you around [person]?” Your friend will probably appreciate it, and will be glad to know they’ve got your support.